The Tabloid News Edition 27
The Tabloid News Issue XXVII Lily Brooke: Editor-In-Chief Pro Temp 'FROM THE NEW EDITOR ' Whew, seems like only yesterday I was asking for my old job back at The Tabloid when Pickles goes and dies again! At least now I won’t have to worry about polishing his knob. Once again, I’m back behind this desk fully ready to abuse all the power that comes with this super comfortable chair. So, in the immortal words of the entire Pickles line . . . "On with the news!" 'SEARCH FOR PICKLES FAMILY OVER ' The Pickles family has been known for generations to be the famed editors of The Tabloid News. However, their family line has been absent from the streets since the death of the notorious Pirate Pickles. The swashbuckling editor died almost two weeks ago, and none of the Pickles lineage has stepped forward to reclaim the Remington. A search for any member of the lost Pickles clan was called off after 15 minutes because the searchers decided to get a beer instead. That, and the Tabloid News was only offering a reward of $47 for information concerning the whereabouts of the family. No one seems to miss them anyway. 'MAFIA’S GOT TALENT REJECTS ' A line of forlorn contestants stood outside the hall where Mafia’s Got Talent Auditions were being held. When asked what was wrong, they admitted they had been rejected by the game show. Among those whose dreams of stardom didn’t even get them through the front door was Claude Balls the lion tamer; Stan Farback the dynamite swallower; Lucky McMulligan the one-armed, one legged, one eye chainsaw juggler; and Madame Zothar, the psychic who actually got hit by a bus while walking out of the building. No one saw that one coming. The Tabloid News felt they deserved a little recognition – as little as they can get. 'THE STATE OF THE CITIES ' Las Vegas - Nevada Los Angeles - California Denver - Colorado Dallas - Texas Chicago - Illinois Detroit - Michigan Atlanta - Georgia Miami - Florida New York – New York Not what you expected, was it? 'STREET SPEECH REVIEW ' Ed. Note – These reviews are made hastily without any regard for context or meaning. These opinions do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Tabloid News. “The changes that rank bring in people” by Loki – I have fair weather friends, and I’ll burn their houses down. “lookin for a crew to join” by crazy_ass_white_boy – I want to be target practice. “Gazette Now Available” by Daizee-Mae – I wish my paper was as cool as The Tabloid News! “Adopt a Squirrel.” By Father_Time – I want to clean up tiny piles of poo and get rabies. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, I’ve recently been given a lot of new responsibilities. How do I handle it all? Signed, L. Brooke ----------------------------- Dear Lilly, Give your advice columnist a HUGE raise! Red ------------------------------ Dear Red, People keep making fun of me because my name rhymes with “hooter.” How can I get them to stop? Signed, C. ------------------------------ Dear Cooter, Be grateful your name isn’t Regina. Red 'OBLIGATORY MIGUEL STORY ' Ed. Note – Upon reading the mission statement of The Tabloid News, I found that each issue must contain a story about Miguel, a tradition that wasn’t upheld very well by the former Pickles Editorial regime. So . . . Miguel likes goats. And midgets.